Modern Restroom Etiquette for Men

Walks into restroom, sees two urinals. Urinal on the left is occupied, urinal on the right is free. Forgoes open urinal, attempts to go into open stall. 

Toilet in stall has very small amount of fecal matter inside it.

Refuses to flush toilet and then urinate within it, knowing that fecal matter was seen within bowl.

Knows that there is constantly fecal matter in bowl but now that he has seen it, cannot use toilet.

Steps out of stall goes back to available urinal on the right.

Occupant of urinal on the left zips up pants and walks away.

Breathes sigh of relief that he can now urinate without anyone standing next to him.

Thinks to self: It is silly to have self imposed rules of right way to urinate in public rest room.

Internally scolds self for being immature and childish.

Middle aged man steps into stall on the left.

Curses internally that peace and solutide has been interrupted.

Man speaks “Hey how did you guys get floor mats in here?”

Looks down past urinal to tiled floor and notices a carpeted floor mat that looks like is was designed for an automobile sitting beneath urinal. Realizes he never noticed that floor mats were only on the 5th floor of the building and not in the rest rooms of any of the other floors.

Responds with false aire of civility, “I don’t know, just one of the perks of the 5th floor I guess.”

Man speaks “Either that or you guys are the drippiest.”

Burst out into genuine laughter.

“Or maybe it’s a little bit of both,” Man continues.

“Yeah they told us it was a perk because they didn’t want to tell us the real issue,” He responds. 

Middle-aged man laughs “Man those guys on the 5th floor are really all over the place, we need to put down some floormats or something in there.”

Burst out laughting again. Is still urinating. Tells self “This is weird,” but the joke is funny so continues laughing.

“Right… aw man that’s funny.”

Zips up pants. Walks to sink. Washes hands. Goes to leave. Sees “Caution Wet Floor” sign sitting in corner of restroom.

The Irony.


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